Helping Children Deal with Anger
These are my notes from the presentation “Helping Children Deal with Anger” by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller at the 2011 Children’s Pastors Conference in San Diego, California on March 16, 2011. (I listened to an audio recording of this session today with my wife, who attended the conference in person.) Among others their websites include:
http://www.effectiveparenting.org/
http://www.biblicalparenting.org/
The session description was: “Many parents get sucked into the anger episodes of their kids. In this practical breakout you will not only learn ways to help children deal with their anger, but you will help parents know how to help their kids as well. Both frustration anger and hurt anger are addressed.”
Anger is not a sin
“Anger is good for identifying problems, not for solving them”
Our goal is to realize John 1:19 – be slow to anger
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%201:19&version=NIV This size of the stop sign needed is based on the size of the emotion We are all emotionally connected
– angry people send out invitations to other people to join them in their anger Anger is not the way to solve things – anger can work to get people to do things, but it carries with it a toll or tax James 1:20
“…because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+1%3A20&version=NIV Use self control strategies to release the emotion of anger properly
Proverbs 29:11
“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%2029:11&version=NIV Steps to deal with anger:
1- identify early warning signs (triggers)
2- stop signs: settle down and pull back
3- Choose a different response (people get angry when they don’t have a plan) Options to acting out in anger
1- talk about it
2- get some help (being able to ask for help is a very adult skill)
3- slow down and persevere (may require adjusting some expectations first) Frustration can be a great teacher, but you need to help students get a plan together Frustration anger is different than hurt anger
– pain and stress happen in our lives, so we need to equip children to deal with hurt in life
– sometimes these are real hurts, other times perceived hurts Anger is a response to hurt or frustration that leads to bitterness
– can lead to a rut, lifestyle and routine
– developing lifestyle choices is key It’s not enough to be right, it is also important to be wise When we are hurt we need to process it in our lives Sorrow is a better response to hurt than anger
– we all need to know how to be comforted (that does not mean just eating more or playing more video games) 2 Corith 1:3-5
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+1%3A3-5&version=NIV Anger hardens the heart Sorrow/sadness response keeps our hearts soft “There is another choice other than anger, it is sorrow.” Hurting people can hurt other people: That is not an acceptable response Listening without even saying anything can be important You earn the right to speak by listening, especially from a child who has been hurt Modeling a sorrow response instead of an anger response is very important too An anger problem is a heart problem
– you can’t just focus on behavior modification This is one part of a four part/hour workshop
– living within boundaries
– accepting no for an answer
– more… We have 3 divisions: home, church and online Biblical Parenting University online
http://www.biblicalparentinguniversity.com/ Book: Hero Training Camp
– all children have a conscience, focus is on internal locus of control (being internally motivated) Can use our program as a family VBS Sent from my iPad
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%201:19&version=NIV This size of the stop sign needed is based on the size of the emotion We are all emotionally connected
– angry people send out invitations to other people to join them in their anger Anger is not the way to solve things – anger can work to get people to do things, but it carries with it a toll or tax James 1:20
“…because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+1%3A20&version=NIV Use self control strategies to release the emotion of anger properly
Proverbs 29:11
“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%2029:11&version=NIV Steps to deal with anger:
1- identify early warning signs (triggers)
2- stop signs: settle down and pull back
3- Choose a different response (people get angry when they don’t have a plan) Options to acting out in anger
1- talk about it
2- get some help (being able to ask for help is a very adult skill)
3- slow down and persevere (may require adjusting some expectations first) Frustration can be a great teacher, but you need to help students get a plan together Frustration anger is different than hurt anger
– pain and stress happen in our lives, so we need to equip children to deal with hurt in life
– sometimes these are real hurts, other times perceived hurts Anger is a response to hurt or frustration that leads to bitterness
– can lead to a rut, lifestyle and routine
– developing lifestyle choices is key It’s not enough to be right, it is also important to be wise When we are hurt we need to process it in our lives Sorrow is a better response to hurt than anger
– we all need to know how to be comforted (that does not mean just eating more or playing more video games) 2 Corith 1:3-5
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+1%3A3-5&version=NIV Anger hardens the heart Sorrow/sadness response keeps our hearts soft “There is another choice other than anger, it is sorrow.” Hurting people can hurt other people: That is not an acceptable response Listening without even saying anything can be important You earn the right to speak by listening, especially from a child who has been hurt Modeling a sorrow response instead of an anger response is very important too An anger problem is a heart problem
– you can’t just focus on behavior modification This is one part of a four part/hour workshop
– living within boundaries
– accepting no for an answer
– more… We have 3 divisions: home, church and online Biblical Parenting University online
http://www.biblicalparentinguniversity.com/ Book: Hero Training Camp
– all children have a conscience, focus is on internal locus of control (being internally motivated) Can use our program as a family VBS Sent from my iPad