Surviving the Storms of Life Together
These are my notes from Tim and Ruthie Hast’s presentation, “Surviving the Storms of Life Together” at the Family Matters class on November 3, 2010 at First Presbyterian Church in Edmond, Oklahoma. MY THOUGHTS AND REFLECTIONS ARE IN ALL CAPS.
Storms happen
– don’t be surprised
– bad stuff can be what grows us
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Types of storms
– self / other inflicted (cloud seeding)
– unavoidable (normal weather patterns)
Be prepared
– understand that you can’t anticipate everything, but don’t rule out anything
– “That could never happen to us”
we were counselors working with FEMA after the 1999 tornados in Oklahoma
Number of couples that don’t make it through the death of a child (staying together) is very high, something like 80%
We need to be prepared, assume something difficult is going to happen at some time
– now is the time to prepare
– like getting your tornado storm kit ready
Isolation in a tragedy can be even more devastating
– your community can become your storm shelter
Start now working on strengthening relationships
– with God
– with your mate
– support network
Talk about the What Ifs, like a fire escape plan
Whatever you want in life, if you have a dear cut picture of it, your mind will be moving toward it
One way weather the storms of life together is by having a clear vision of who you are as a couple
– who do we want to be
– if you get that together, that is like life insurance
Epitaph exercise is something I use with clients when they are involved with something they shouldn’t or don’t want to be
– live for your epitaph
– start with the end in mind
How do you want to be in a crisis?
– how do we want to look to others?
– people will be watching
Need to pray together when you are not under stress, because that establishes the habit and pattern of facing life’s challenges together rather than apart
Accept your own limitations (know thyself)
– recovery will take time
– it will take more than you have
– stay humble
– have a teachable spirit – it requires an open mind
— many times we “think we know,” but there are SO many things we don’t know….
There is an element of shame with some of these things that attack us
– there needs to be humility between spouses too
Have you notice how your faith is really strengthened and grown in those tough times?
In the anger stage of grief, we blame
– that requires forgiveness, of each other, of people who perpetrate a crime
– if infidelity is involved, forgiving each other, forgiving ourselves
When we forgive, we become like God, we resemble Him, he has forgiven us
Biblical examples:
– Joseph forgiving his brothers
– The Prodigal Son
– The Woman at the Well
Sometimes we oversimplify forgiveness
– we need to understand the true extend of the damage and pain that was caused
– you can’t fully forgive what you incompletely understand
Forgiving is letting go of all perceived rights to punish or avenge
– punishment and judgement are God’s domain (He can do a much better job of this than we can)
Praying for blessing for the person who caused the harm is very difficult, but it is part of forgiveness
When we do these things, the the hurt and the evil truly no longer has a claim on our lives
It takes something bigger than me to forgive such an egregious act
Letting go of the measuring stick can be a real big struggle for us
Story of couple on Oprah last week on couple who lost all three of their kids
– they immediately went into counseling
– made a pact with each other not to commit suicide, they knew the grief that was coming was terrible
When IT strikes, we must mobilize
– get the information and help you need
– learn
– ask for help
– investigate
– consult
– join
Call your church family first
– that is what we are here for, for each other
Be clear about expectations of each other and self, agree on these
Make an immediate plan and move forward
– what do we need to consider
– who is in charge
– who is responsible for what?
– who needs to be involved (or not?)
– do we need a time frame?
– what kinds of financial arrangements may need to be made?
Manage stress and take care of yourself and each other
Surround yourself with trusted listeners
You each need a confidante
Couples therapy can help
When you talk with others, start with your most vulnerable emotions first (I am frightened
Don’t wait till the thunderstorm is over to learn to dance in the rain
Trauma research shows the number one tool in recovery is talking about the event in the presence of a compassionate witness
The way you handle tragedy as a couple will either break your marriage party or deepen your relationship together
– talk with each other
– do not isolate yourselves from each other
Practice good communication
– that is the number one thing that will keep your relationship strong and tight
There is grief in every life change: we are leaving something
Grief is the process of moving from what was to what is
– moving from fantasy to reality
Five steps of grief
1 denial
2 anger
3 depression
4 bargaining
5 acceptance
Stages
– moving from denial to acceptance
– you are accepting what is, or truth
– denial is the lie
Moving from the lie to the truth
– that is just like our walk with Christ
We all experience the grief process differently
– we must give our mate space to grieve on their own schedule
Never forgive the objective, to get through the storm as a unit, intact, and even stronger than before….
– washed by the rain, and still standing
We want to stay married, but stay married better
People who had blueprints for their house are able to rebuild faster after a tornado
This is like the vision and identity that we have for our marriage and lives together
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